


The Worst Night Of My Life And Its Only Just Begun

by lizibabes



Series: Hurt/Comfort Bingo [22]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Dark fic, Hate Crimes, Homophobia, M/M, Rape, Sex, Swearing, at time's graphic sexual assault, flash backs, serious injury, thoughts about self harm, triggering for some people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-27
Updated: 2011-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:26:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizibabes/pseuds/lizibabes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the hiding and injury/illness square on my H/C Bingo card. Tommy wants Adam, has for a while, he finally grows some balls and tells him, only to have Adam turn him down. Worst night ever? And its only just begun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worst Night Of My Life And Its Only Just Begun

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: I_glitterz  
> Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters in this story and as far as I’m aware this never happened.  
> Bucketful's of angst

Tommy pov

"Adam, I want you." Four fucking words he wished he had never said. So damn stupid, reading into shit that wasn't there. Tommy Joe Ratliff the straight boy who was bendy on stage for Adam, what had he been thinking telling Adam he wanted him? In the beginning he'd dismissed it as a crush, he'd had them on men before and never acted on it, but Adam was different and he'd finally admitted it, just to have Adam turn him down flat. "Your straight, your confused." and his favourite, "I'm sorry if I made you think I wanted more." Now that one fucking stung. So he was doing the only thing that made sense, sitting in a bar, alone, getting trashed.

He'd been at the bar for over an hour, sitting on a bar stool and steadily drinking through glass after glass of whisky on the rocks. It wasn't a fancy bar and the booze was as rough to drink neat as the bar itself, but Tommy liked it. Nobody knew him here, they didn't give a shit who he was or why he was here and drinking alone. He kept to himself and no one minded. Adam was always pushing him to be more out going, less of a wall flower "be more confidante." he always said, well fuck him. Tommy would be as big a loner as he wanted tonight. He'd reached out to Adam, been as confidante as he could be considering he was as scared as hell and he'd been knocked back. So why should he keep trying to be any different than he'd always been, he didn't need to always fill the silence or be everyone's friend. He was apparently a downer of a drunk when he got turned down. It wasn't like he'd never heard no before, he'd just been so sure he had something with Adam, he'd been so stupid.

He orders another drink just as a guy comes up to the bar, the guy somehow manages to knock the drink out of the bartenders hand. He apologies and buys Tommy a drink to replace the spilt one so its all good. He mentions that he likes Tommy's Metallica T-shirt and they get talking. The guys name is David and he knows his music. From his ripped jeans and checked shirt, Tommy would peg him as a country fan, but he knows his metal. Tommy lets him self get distracted, deciding its less pathetic to get drunk over Adam's dismissal if he's drinking with some one else. David doesn't seem put off when he goes quiet for what a lot of people would see as too long and he won't let Tommy get a round in. He keeps buying Tommy drinks and soon Tommy is wondering how drunk he is, his guess is a lot, he also needs to pee.

"Gotta piss." Tommy announces before stumbling off his bar stall and heading for the men's room.

Its about as filthy as he expected, but it smells worse than he had thought it would, there is a sour smell, like someone's puked and its either not been cleaned up or its not been cleaned up well. He goes to the urinals and has to brace one hand against the wall because he's swaying on his feet. He curses at the button fly on his jeans and aiming is a bitch, but he finally manages to piss and tuck it away. When he turns around to wash his hands, David is there, leaning against the sinks. He looks so causal, brown hair, normal clothes, so different from Tommy with his dyed hair and eyeliner. Its been a while since Tommy was the one wearing the most makeup in a room. He wonders what all the men in the bar must have though when he walked in. Queer, twink, those are normally the most common ones thrown at him. And they say straight men have no gaydar, well theirs seems better than Adam's these days.

"Hi Tommy." David smiles, it looks weird, wrong somehow, it isn't the friendly smile he's had on all night.

"Hey." Tommy manages, how fucking eloquent is he tonight, his response to Adam was as bad, he'd walked off and turned his phone off.

"Come have a drink, there's a back room, barman said we can go through, take the bottle, its quieter back there." David suggest and his smile’s normal again, Tommy must have been seeing things.

"Okay." Tommy nods following David back into the bar and then into another room with a sofa and a coffee table. It is quieter when David shuts the door. Tommy sits on the sofa, the whisky bottle is on the table.

David sits down next to him, too close but their sharing the bottle so it kind of makes sense. They talk more, David talks more than he does, but he hasn't been hitting the booze as hard as Tommy has, he's a lot more sober. So Tommy's shocked when David cups his face and kisses him. Its all wrong, his lips don't feel right, the taste of whisky is wrong. This isn't Adam, he shouldn't be kissing him. Tommy doesn't respond and he pushes at David's chest, but his arms are weak, they remind him of limp noodles right now and his body feels too heavy. Tommy turns his head to the side and it breaks the kiss.

"I'm not gay." Tommy blurts out, everyone keeps saying it, so it must be true. Adam wants him to play his straight kitty so he will, with everyone.

"Yeah, me neither." David agrees trying to kiss him again, Tommy turns away just in time. What sort of fucked up shit was that? Saying he wasn't gay and then trying to kiss him.

"I'm not Bi." Tommy adds in case David's just confused.

"I'm straight as well, now shut up." David goes in for a third time and Tommy cannot move away quickly enough.

David licks at his lips, trying to get in, Tommy won't let him, clamping his lips tightly together and breathing through his nose. He struggles and David climes on top of him, pushing and pulling at him until Tommy finds himself on his back, on the sofa, with David on top of him. He struggles and squirms, but it doesn't seem to do anything. Well actually David seems to like it. When Tommy gets his mouth free again, he tries to yell, but David back hands him. He sees stars and tastes blood, he's cut inside his mouth and the taste makes him feel sick.

David grabbed at his fly trying to get it open and Tommy jerks up and manages to head butt him, not hard, but it starts the fight again. Tommy goes tumbling to the floor and his first though is that he's free, but then he hits his head on the corner of the coffee table and goes down hard. He can feel blood dripping into his bangs and knows he's cut. His head is throbbing so hard the pain is almost blinding, he's dazed, doesn't even get to his feet before David is flipping him over onto his back. He kicks Tommy in the ribs and it knocks the breath out of him. Whilst he has no chance of fighting between the pain and the alcohol David drops down onto him again. On all fours above him, he leans in kissing Tommy roughly, he wants to turn away or to bite the guy, but his body won't work right. David undoes his zipper and gropes at his cock through his shorts, Tommy isn't hard, is probably too drunk to get hard even if he wanted to, no matter what anybody does.

He gets flipped over and that's when he starts panicking again. His jeans and shorts get pulled down just below his ass and the cold air on his bare flesh is a shock to his system, cutting through the drunken fog loud and clear. He knows there is only one reason he's been rolled on his belly at it isn't good, he reaches, just keeping down the booze, if he's sick like this he'll probably choke.

"Knew you wanted it the second I saw you. Begging for it, for cock. Letting me buy you drinks. I knew you wanted me." David spat and then Tommy's vision wighted out as he felt a deep searing pain from being breached, no prep, no lube and he soon realises no condom. Tommy isn't sure why that's what gets him fighting again. He kicks back like a mule and clearly David hadn't expected it. He'd knocked off of Tommy, out of him. He stumbles to his feet and sees the fire exit. He knows he can make it, but right now, he won't be able to out run David. So he turns facing the other man, who is still on the floor, his dick out, there is blood on it, a streak of his blood. Tommy sees red, he stomps down on David's groin with his boots, over and over again until he screams, sick as it is Tommy loves the sound and he keeps going. He thinks he might have done some actual damage to David's balls or cock, but he doesn't wait around to see. He runs. He can't bear going through the bar, so he leaves through the fire exit, running into the ally way and trying to pull up his jeans and shorts.

He runs and runs until he can hardly breath and it hurts to much to move anymore. He ends up slumped against the side of a building, panting and trying not to cry. His night couldn't have got worse in his opinion, not after Adam turned him down. He had been so fucking wrong, it sure as shit had got worse. Well, he wanted to be with a man tonight, had gone looking to Adam to get fucked, so he'd got half of what he wanted. Would Adam call him straight if he knew? Tommy Joe Ratliff, his pretty, straight kitty, bass player, whatever bull shit Adam wanted to label him with, had been fucked by a man. What would he do if he ever got asked if he'd been with a man? Did this even count? Tommy didn't want it to, he didn't want that nightmare in the back room of a bar to be how he'd lost his virginity.

"Hey, Blondie." A voice called. Tommy spun towards it, not David, but the bar tender. His fist hit Tommy before he could even think why he might be there. His ribs took the hit again and Tommy gasped in pain.

He tried to run but was grabbed by his shirt pulled back. So he tried to fight, but he ended up being knocked to the ground and then a boot was being raised above him and Tommy wondered if he was going to get kicked in the nuts like David. The boot came down on his arm instead and the pain ripped a scream from Tommy's throat as he felt bone snapping. Several lights flicked on in the building next to them and the bartender spat on him before splitting. Tommy watched him run, making sure he was gone before he crawled to his feet. He found his cell one-handed and managed to goggle a local taxi company. Tommy's wallet was still full, the driver didn't question taking him to a hotel instead of a hospital.

It was late and there was only one girl working in the lobby. Tommy walked as far away from her as possible, tried not to limp or show that he was hurting. He took the elevator up to his floor. Found the room he shared with Isaac, it took three tries to get the key card to work. Isaac was asleep, Tommy had never been more grateful in his life. He gathered stuff as quietly as he could and then locked himself in their bathroom. He feels almost numb, he can't think, all he wants to do is hide, make it all go away. If he covers it up, it didn't happen. He catches sight of himself in the mirror and just makes it to the toilet in time, throwing up all the drinks he let David pour down his throat. He heaves and retches until it seems like there is nothing left, he's even shakier when he gets to his feet this time. He strips out of his clothes with one hand and jumps in the shower. He knows what he is doing is wrong, knows he's destroying evidence, but there is no way he can go to the cops. Tommy knows how that would go, smeared eyeliner, high blood alcohol level, one night stand that turned rough. He was famous for being kissed by a man, he wore makeup, that made him gay in most peoples eyes, and Tommy had heard just how seriously a gay man's rape accusation was taken. He couldn't go tell someone about this and have them not believe him, it would kill him.

So with one hand, he washed dirt and blood off his body, ignoring his injuries, he would deal with them later, once he was clean. He was a little scared about how much blood mixed with the water going down the drain and tried to convince himself that it just looked like a lot of blood because of the water. Washing one handed was hard and he didn't like looking at his body right now, every time he caught a glimpse of finger shaped bruises on his hips or scratches on his belly were he'd been clawed when David undid his buttons, it made him feel like he might be sick again. As if his empty stomach might just find something for the occasion. He stepped out of the shower, his whole body protesting and dried his body carefully. Once he was dry, he was in so much pain that he searched the things he had brought in for the pain killers he'd had in his bag. They were prescription and pretty strong, prescribed for a sprain ankle months ago, but they'd still had weed from Amsterdam so he had used that instead of the pills. The container was almost full and Tommy shook a few pills out one handed, he took more than the prescribed dosage, but not by too much, not enough to damage himself, even though a tiny voice in his head whispered that it'd all be so much easier. Just take them all, every last pill and he would never have to deal with any of this. Tommy shook his head and just took a few with some water from the tap.

He started small fixing himself, he brushed his teeth to get rid of the smell of vomit and old booze on his breath, he didn't want anyone asking about that. Then he sat down on the closed toilet seat with the first aid box. Tommy got out a few bandages and then looked at his left arm, just above his wrist on his forearm there was a black lump. It was swollen as well, his whole wrist and starting to bruise, he didn't need an x-ray to tell him it was broken, the agony it was causing had been his first clue, the black lump was a dead give away. He bandaged it up tightly, glad for the pills taking the edge off of the pain, otherwise he probably would have passed out. He moved his arm carefully in the bandages, it hurt like a motherfucker, but he would be able to use it, if he kept dosed up on pills he'd be able to play just fine. When they were on break, he would get it looked at, some where discreet, when he didn't have to tell anyone where he was going and when he had made up a good lie about how he had hurt himself.

With his hand wrapped it was a little easier to do stuff, he checked out his ribs which were hurting like a bitch and turning technicolor all down his right side and over on to his stomach. It hurt to take a deep breath and he wasn't convinced that at least one wasn't fractured or broken. Just in case, he wrapped his ribs in bandages to, he'd only seen it done in movies before, but he though he did an okay job. Focusing on patching himself up helped him keep calm, he didn't have to think about how he'd got hurt, just fix what he could and hide, hiding it all was important. He put some antibacterial cream were in hurt the worst on his ass trying to pretend it was just another cut, like the scratches he would be putting cream on as well, he didn't want to think of it being a tear or how it had happened. He felt a sob well up as he put the cream on there and croaked it back down, no crying, if he cried someone would know. Adam always seemed to know when people had been crying, Tommy didn't want to think about Adam right now.

He put cream on wherever the skin had been broken and made a mental note to go to the clinic when he was on break as well. He knew he shouldn't wait to get checked out, but he'd probably freak out if anyone even suggested it right now. He slipped into clean boxers and jeans that actually fit okay, with a belt, they should keep the bruises at his hips covered and he was going to wear a long top as well, nobody would see. He put on a T-shirt and his favourite hoodie, it was baggy and covered a lot of skin, including most of his bandaged arm, he added fingerless black wool gloves to hide the rest of the bandage. He even sat down and painted his nails black again, he needed to look like his normal self, then no one would even think to ask if something was wrong. It was like putting on a costume, if he dressed like the Tommy he had been before this night, then everything would be the same, he hadn't changed, it wouldn't change him, because as far as he was concerned it had never happened, he went out, got drunk, came home, end of story.

Tommy went to work on his face last, cleaning the cut on his forehead, the skin around it was a little swollen, stretching the cut open so he had to put a butterfly bandage on it. He covered as much of the discoloured skin with makeup as he could and styled his hair to hide the small flesh coloured strip. He would have to remember not to push his long bangs back at any point. His head hurt despite the pills, he wasn't sure if the dizziness he was feeling was from booze, lack of food or if he had concussion, maybe it was a combination of all three. He put on full makeup and soon there was no sign left that he had been hit in the face repeatedly, you couldn't even tell that he hadn't been to sleep, the makeup hid dark circles. He had learnt a lot about makeup on this tour and it was all coming in useful now. He'd done a good job, when he looked at himself he couldn't see a thing wrong or out of place. He looked fine, so that meant he was fine. He could do this, he could hide. Nobody would ever have to know, everything would heal and he would forget. Tommy knew in his heart that forgetting would be a hell of a lot harder than he was trying to convince himself, but he needed to pretend. If he let himself except that he would always have to remember this night, he might reach for the pill bottle again and not stop this time.

He sneaks into the bedroom and hides his blood stained clothes in his suitcase, not putting them with the stuff being sent out to get cleaned, blood on the inside of his jeans wouldn't be easily explained away. He puts away his makeup, tries to make everything look the way it did when he came in. Then he goes back to the bathroom and sits on the closed toilet seat. He stays until he hears Isaac moving in their room, he's not sure how long he's been hiding for or even why he hid. Tommy pretends he's not been awake long, just up, just showered, the only thing he tells Isaac that is not a lie, is that he came back to the room when Isaac was asleep. He gets out of breakfast by mentioning his hangover and them Isaac reminds him of why they have two days in this hotel. It's Brad's birthday and he's in town in some show, so Adam has organised a party, the whole Glamily is invited. Tommy can't not go, he's dreading facing Adam and being around a shit ton of people. He doesn't even feel like he can hold it together around Isaac for that long, let alone a crowd. He spends the day freaking out behind a mask of calm.  
He goes to the party without changing, Isaac's the only one who's seen him any way so its okay. He gets a soda instead of the real drink he's craving, he doesn't want to be drunk, doesn't want to make himself vulnerable, no matter how many times he tells himself what happened wasn't his fault, there is a voice that won't shut up in his head, telling him that he made himself a target. People ask why he's not drinking at party, they have a whole day to be hungover tomorrow before any shows. He spins a story and no one seems to question it, Tommy wonders when he got so good at lying to his friends.

"So are you mad at me as well as Adam?" Brad asks suddenly appearing from fucking no where and making him jump like a scared cat. He ignores the arched eyebrow he gets over that, he's the horror guy, he doesn't scare easy they all know that, so its weird for him to be jumpy, if he gets called on it, he'll blame caffeine.

"Mad at you? I'm not mad at anybody." Tommy frowns, maybe he has missed something? Its not like he has been listening much, lost in thoughts he'd rather forget.

"Oh, well Adam thinks your pissed and normally at a party you guys would be all cuddly and instead your what, sulking in a corner?" Brad asks.

"I'm not sulking, I'm just tired and despite the rumours saying other wise, I'm not actually surgically attached to his hip." He can't hug Adam after being rejected by him, can't even say his name aloud after last night it seems.

"That was a little catty, I like catty. Oh well, if your not mad then do I not need to apologize? Adam said I should." Brad shrugs.

"For what?" Tommy really doesn't get it, Brad hasn't ever done anything to him.

"The incredibly drunken voicemail I left you with Adam? Day before yesterday, just after you all arrived, I took him to dinner, well he paid so I guess he took me, even though I picked. Anyway, I shouldn't have joked about Adam ordering you to do stuff and he was totes joking when he agreed, he feels so bad." Brad rambled.

The day they arrived, the day before he made an idiot out of himself and then went out and got himself hurt. He hadn't noticed that Adam was hungover when they talked, he'd been too nervous to notice stuff like that. He remembered Adam going out, he'd been invited and he remembered a voicemail.

"Brad, you both just giggled down the phone for like five minuets and then it cut out. So I have no idea what your talking about. Nothing you said recorded." Normally Tommy would be dying to know what had been said, not that he was a gossip, just curious, but right now he didn't care, he just wanted to get through the party without drama.

"Oh, well I might have said you should sleep with Adam, that he should order you, make you do stuff, he joked about seen as he made you kiss him, which is stupid you agreed, he didn't order, but anyway, he feels like shit about saying he would use his position as boss over you to get some. Are you sure you didn't know? He wouldn't tell me the details, said he didn't want to upset me or whatever on my birthday, but he was sure you had heard the message and he seemed sad about it, so I though you'd got pissed at him." Brad keeps going, but Tommy has fixated and isn't really paying attention, his brain picked up on "Make you do stuff" and has decided he needs a reminder of the night before, like he can forget, the pain is enough of a reminder, not that the memories have dulled without it.

"I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be back." Tommy says interrupting what ever the hell Brad is saying and then wondering off.

He hides in a bathroom stall to take his pain pills, he doesn't want anyone to see and ask why he is using them. When he comes out, Adam is standing opposite the doorway, the hallway is empty and Tommy just knows Adam is going to want to talk.

"Brad told me you didn't get our voicemail. So ah what was yesterday about? I thought I'd made you feel like you had to sleep with me to keep your job and I didn't really explain because I was pissed at the idea of you believing I would do that," Adam looks nervous and he keeps fiddling with his zipper. Tommy notices his hands more because he's hardly looking at Adam's face. He can't look at him and he can't do this now.

"It was stupid, just forget it okay?" He can't be with Adam even if the singer wants him, not that he's said he has, but its nice to know that under other circumstances he wouldn't have been turned down as harshly. If only he had asked Adam about the giggling message, if only he'd picked a different day to make a pass at Adam, so many things could have changed his fate. He thinks he might go over all the ‘what if’s until they drive him mad.

"Okay, if that's what you want." He glances at Adam's face then and he's frowning. He could never make Adam happy, he's upsetting him even now.

"It is." Tommy nods and then he walks away, he knows its rude, but maybe if Adam's pissed at him he won't ask any questions that he doesn't have the strength to answer.

He goes back to the party, has another soda, Talks guitars with Monte. No one asks him if he's okay, so Tommy takes that as a good sign, his mask, his lies, its all working. They won't ever have to know what happened. He leaves the party early, hides under the covers and pretends to be asleep when Isaac comes back to the room. He doesn't really sleep, he's afraid of what he might dream, by morning, he feels like shit. He sits watching the news quietly. Half way through the report that a David Joans and Keith Smith have been arrested for multiple rapes. David had gone to hospital with a ruptured testicle, suspicious injuries and a less than credible explanation. The police had been called and he fit the description given by five men in the area. The police had D.N.A and David had quickly admitted his crimes in hope of a lighter sentence, Keith the bartender had helped him with the men, he'd spiked drinks, let him use the backroom and joined in with three of the five men. Tommy gets up, runs to the bathroom and throws up his minimal stomach contents, thinking of David and the backroom and Keith coming after him. His arm throbs even as he thinks about it.

He avoids everyone until the soundcheck, no one passes comment on how quiet he is, but then its not weird for him to go quiet sometimes and he is so glad for that, it means he doesn't have to fake being chatty now. He knows from soundcheck that playing is going to hurt, but half way through the show, he has soaked his shirt through with sweat from the pain. He takes a few pills when he gets the chance and it takes enough of the edge off that he manages to get through the whole set. He stumbles off stage and into a dressing room and curses when Adam follows.

"I ah didn't kiss you tonight, I didn't want to force it on you when things are weird between us." Adam blurts out, fucker apologies for shit like this? Not fake kissing him on stage, wouldn't want to force a kiss on him, not like David. Tommy can still remember exactly how the other man’s lips felt and suddenly he is very relieved that Adam didn't kiss him, he's not sure how he would of reacted, if he would have been able to stop himself from flashing back to the assault.

"We don't always kiss." Tommy doesn't move to take of his makeup or change, he can't its still hiding the evidence of what happened.

"I know, I just didn't want you to think I was mad or something. I want things to not be weird between us." Adam tells him.

"Okay." Tommy nods, he wants everything to be normal as well, he doesn't want to eat soup for every meal because he's not sure how badly he's torn and he's afraid to go to the bathroom in case he damages something.

"Friends." Adam says happily and hugs him, its a big bear hug, so tight that his ribs are screaming in pain. He stiffens and tries to pull back, pushing against Adam's chest only makes pain exploded in his wrist.

Adam is asking what's wrong, but the rooms spinning and Tommy can't seem to make his mouth form the words he needs to lie to Adam. The last thing he sees before he passes out is Adam's pale and terrified face . He hates himself a little more for that. He wakes up in a hospital bed, left arm heavy from the cast someone has put on it. He freaks out, a nurse rushes in and then someone else brings a needle. He sedates him and when he wakes up again he feels groggy, but strangely calm. A doctor comes to list his injuries, its worse than he thought. The doctor had noticed blood when he was admitted, he knows Tommy was raped. A part of him wants to cry at that, but he thinks maybe the drugs keep his emotions buried enough that he doesn't. He feels detached, a part of himself but not, like he's living in his body but not controlling it. The police come, hospital policy with his type of injuries, he explains why it would be pointless to report what happened, the men who hurt him won't be getting out of jail anyway. One of the cops shakes his hand, they both than him, telling him his actions lead to two serial rapists captures, they call him a hero, Tommy doesn't feel very heroic.

The Glamily come to see him, they all want to know how he got hurt, when and why he hid it. None of them saw the police go into his room so Tommy lies, claims he was drunk, fell, didn't realise how hurt he was. Its happened to people before, it seems believable and they seem to believe. He misses a few shows before, he convinces the people in charge that he can play with one arm in a cast. The Glamily seems pleased to have him back, so do the fans. On his second show back, Adam accidentally knocks the still healing cut on his forehead and it triggers a flash back to the back room, the coffee table and David. He finds a rape victim helpline, hides in a bathroom and calls. He knows he needs help, he isn't coping well, not eating or sleeping much, he knows he needs to talk, but the only people who know he got hurt are two police offices and a doctor back in another state. He wasn't going to talk to them, so he tries a kind stranger on the end of a phone line. It helps a little, it isn't a magical cure by any means, but Tommy thinks he might feel a little better if he keeps talking.

Its all going okay until Terrance takes him by surprise one night slapping his ass. Tommy had though he'd hid his reaction well until an hour later when he's in his room, hears a knock on the door and answers it to find Adam there, crying.

"What's wrong?" Tommy asks, instantly panicking, he's not as calm as he used to be, as much as he pretends he's not changed.

"You went white as a ghost when Terrance touched you." Adam says closing the door behind him and Tommy swallows.

He goes and sits on the sofa, he doesn't want to be standing for this, he already feels drained. Adam comes over and sits by him, his cheeks are wet and his eyes are a little blotchy, red haired person skin making the signs of crying far more prominent. He still looks beautiful and Tommy sort of wants to hug him, but his arms won't listen, staying at his sides. He doesn't know why he can't be intimate in any way, well he knows why, but he doesn't get why its this bad.

"When you got hurt, were you raped?" Adam asks looking like he might be sick.

Tommy wants to lie, to deny it, to keep hiding.

"Why are you asking me this?" Its not at all what he'd been planning to say, but it comes out anyway, in place of another carefully crafted lie.

"That's not a denial, tell me I'm jumping to conclusions. You hid getting hurt Tommy, from all of us, are you still hiding?" Adam looks wrecked, like Tommy getting hurt that way is the worst thing he can ever think of happening.

"I was drunk, maybe I don't remember." Tommy blurts out and Adam looks horrified, it makes him feel like shit, putting that look on the singers face. He's also talking bullshit, every second of the rape has been burned into his memory, he can't forget, no matter how hard he tries. The only think he won't try is drinking the memories away, he hasn't drunk alcohol since that night.

"Tommy please talk to me, I know something's wrong, I know you and your not acting like yourself." Adam sighs.

Anger flares up from behind the wall he has built around his emotions and burns so hot Tommy can feel it licking at his veins, heating his blood.

"If you know me so well then why did you think I'd fuck you to keep my job? Brad told me everything, remember?" Tommy spat out.

"Tommy, I said I was sorry, you told me to forget about it. I was drunk, I embarrassed myself. So when you said stuff about wanting me, I thought it was either a joke or that you'd believed me and that are friendship was totally fucked. I still don't even know why you said you wanted me." Adam sounds pissed and the slight aggression in Adam's body language has him pulling back, he's timid these days, like a dog that's been kicked once too often. He hates it, he shouldn't be scared of Adam, a man that no matter how mad he gets, Tommy is sure he won't hurt him.

"I don't want to talk about it." He mumbles, almost fucking stutters, like he did back when he was a nervous little kid, he hates it.

"Fuck Tommy, you look like your afraid of me. Please tell me the truth, stop hiding whatever is wrong with you. I want to help, your still my best friend even if your pissed at me." Adam looks like someone bought him the worlds cutest puppy for his birthday and then kicked it to death. Tommy hates himself for being the reason for that look.

"I'm not afraid of you, Adam. I know I don't need to be, I'm working on getting better." Tommy knew he was basically admitting that more had happened than he'd told, but he couldn't have Adam think the changes in him were Adam's fault.

"What help?" Adam asks.

"A hotline and now a therapist who is willing to do my appointments by phone." He'd promised to come in person when they went on break, his therapist though he might need some pills to help his anxiety, she needed to meet him in person before she did that.

"That's really good, Tommy Joe. That your getting yourself help. Why won't you tell me what happened? Why keep hiding?" Adam asked.

Tommy could say rape, could admit to being raped. He'd called rape hotline, he talked to his therapist about being raped. But he couldn't seem to push the word past his lips in front of Adam. He didn't even know why, Adam was the person least likely in the whole world to make him feel worse about it. Adam wouldn't think of him as dirty, weak or any of the other things Tommy had though about himself since the attack.

"I was mad at you when it happened." Tommy said quietly.

"I get that I pissed you off, that after what I said you didn't feel you could come to me when you got hurt, whenever that was. I know it was in the days we didn't talk. But you said you weren't mad at me now, I don't get why you won't talk to me. You hid having a broken arm and played a show, I still don't get why." Adam sounds really upset.

"I was mad at you so I got drunk. I don't want you to blame me or you. We are not responsible." Tommy knew David and Keith were to blame, well most the time he got that, sometimes he blamed himself for being drunk, in a few ugly but thankfully private moments, he had blamed Adam for driving him to drink himself stupid.

"You were raped the night I said I didn't want to sleep with you?" Adam blurts out and then looks like he wants to bite off his own tongue for just blurting out the harsh truth of what happened.

"Yeah, I walked out, went and got wasted." Tommy mumbles.

He doesn't tell Adam any details about the night, just how he got away, how the cops had already caught his attackers.

"Tommy I'm so sorry. You would have never been out alone if it wasn't for me." Adam chokes out, he's crying harder than ever now.

"This isn't what I wanted, you blaming yourself. I'm an adult, I should have handled being rejected better. I normally do, but I though you wanted me and I liked you so much it messed with my head, My therapist explains stuff better, about guilt and feelings and shit. I wish she could talk to you for me. I don't know how to talk to you anymore." Tommy groans running a frustrated hand through his bangs. He should hug Adam, he's crying, but its like he's forgotten how to reach out to people. He has avoided being touched and stopped touching, he doesn't know how to get himself to initiate contact now that he wants it.

"I could come see her with you sometime, if you like?" Adam offers.

Tommy nods, he'd like that, he's been scared about going to the first face to face meeting alone, now maybe he won't have to.

"Why can't you talk to me? You say you don't know how, what does that mean?" Adam asks, one large hand fisted tightly, brushing tears off of his cheek.

"I was in love with you and then you rejected me. Then I got hurt and I felt so ashamed, I just wanted to hide. Brad tells me about the voicemail and suddenly there’s a possibility that we had our wires crossed, it wasn't the rejection I though it was. But I was broken by then, didn't think anyone would want me if they knew. So I tried to forget that I loved you as more than a friend, but I can't, your in my heart and won't leave as fucking permanent as any of the scars I got that night." Tommy's been holding a lot in for far too long, its all coming out tonight it seems, whether he likes it or not.

"You loved me? Even after I realised you weren't telling me you wanted me to keep your job? I didn't think you felt that! I thought at worse you were teasing me, at best you were curious about being with a man. Fuck, I told you no when you loved me? I must have hurt you so bad, I'm so sorry, Tommy. Can I fix this? Could you ever want me, if you even want to date a man at all now?" Adam looks stricken, like Tommy kicked him in the balls instead of explaining that he was confused about how he felt about Adam, he'd wanted to make it clear that it wasn't anger stopping him from talking to Adam. But it seemed like he'd fucked up and upset his friend anyway.

"Honestly, I'm not sure if I could ever just date some guy. I'm doing better, I know it won't be easy, but I will have a life and even relationships, but I don't trust easy. The idea of making myself physically vulnerable to anyone scares the shit out of me right now. If I was going to be with a man it would be you, I, ah, still love you and I trust you enough to know you'll never hurt me or push. I thought you wouldn't want me if you knew I'd been raped, but yeah, even thinking it wasn't possible, I thought about it." Tommy sighs, he knows Adam, they could both be naked and on the edge of orgasm and he would back off if Tommy asked, he wouldn't even be a dick about it, Tommy would feel bad about it anyway.

"Tommy, I'm so in love with you its unreal, it makes what I've felt in the past seem like a joke. I could never stop wanting you because someone hurt you." Adam takes his hand gently, gives him time to pull away, which he doesn't, before firming his grip.

"I have nightmares, I freak out over stuff, I get moody and depressed, I'm in therapy for it, but it won't change things magically. I'm not sure when I'll want to have sex, if I'll ever want to. Do you really want to take all that on?" Tommy asks, he really wants Adam in his life and as more than a friend, but he's not sure how much of a boyfriend he can be right now, Adam deserves to know what he's getting into if they are going to do this.

"Tommy, I love you and if you love me, that is all I need. I know it might be hard and some stuff might suck. I like sex, I won't lie about that, but I'd rather masturbate till my hand falls off and be with you, than have sex all the time and not have your love." Adam's voice is firm, he looks so damn sure of himself, like he believes they really have a chance.

"I'm fucked up, but I'm trying to fix it." Tommy says softly, he moves a little closer to Adam, ready to try and hug him.

"You don't need to be fixed, that makes it sound like your broken or wrong somehow. Baby, you were hurt and you need to heal, not just physically." Adam says, closing the gap for him and pulling him in for a warm hug.

Tommy rubs his cheek against Adam's chest, he remembers this, its familiar, like an old lover. He feels tension easing out of his body, loosening his limbs. He thinks it might be nice to have Adam around after he has a nightmare, to hold him like this, to soothe him. Tommy feels calm, he knows he can't expect Adam to make it all better, to take away the pain. Becoming dependent on someone won't help, but having someone to hold, to lean on when things get hard? Yeah, he could use that and he loves and trusts Adam enough to be emotionally vulnerable, maybe in the future he'll manage physical.

They cuddle and talk late into the night. In the morning, they go to breakfast together, hand in hand. The Glamily cat call and cheer, assuming that Adam spent the night with him in a very different way. Tommy doesn't correct them. He's happy to tell them he's with Adam, happy not to hide this from them or lie. Adam looks ridiculously happy just to be holding his hand. Like holding someone's hand is some fucking mind blowing experience, maybe it sort of is. He feels safe holding Adam's hand, protected, not physically, he's not afraid he'll be hurt again. Holding on to Adam anchors him, stops him from drifting away into his own world and hiding.

Its not easy, Tommy knew it wouldn't be, but having Adam with him, having Adam's love makes him braver. Having Adam to turn to stops him hiding, even when it hurts. Its over, a year after the attack that they sleep together, even though they've shared a bed every night since Tommy first told Adam he loved him. Adam has never pushed him, if Tommy wanted to kiss and nothing else that's what they did. Adam spent a lot of time having cold showers during that time in their relationship and Tommy had to fight to not feel to bad about it.

Almost two years pass before he tells his Mom and Lisa. They cry and cry and hug him in between more tears. Adam kisses him sweetly that night and they go to sleep holding each other, they don't make love and Tommy doesn't feel as guilty as he used to in the past when he hadn't been able to be a lover to Adam. After he tells his family, he tells the Glamily, its the first and only time he can ever remember seeing Monte cry. He cries silently, tears running down into his beard, he doesn't sob. Tommy hugs him, not there normal, short manly hugs. He holds tight hiding his face while Monte pats his back. Monte has been so much to him since they met, taught him a lot, like a second father. Not better or worse than his dad, but different and Tommy is so thankful to have him in his life. The Glamily support him without smothering him. Its nice to see that they care and they don't treat him any of the ways they fear he would.

Tommy had tried to hide that he'd been hurt, but as he sits on a sofa in the tour bus going on tour for the third time, practically curled up in Adam's lap, Tommy is glad he was found out. He probably would have left after the first tour if not for Adam. He wouldn't have been here, in a room filled with wonderful people who he loves and who love him. He doesn't know if he would have taken the steps he needed to heal himself. Pill bottles, booze, he knows he got lucky being found out and avoiding a potentially bleak life. He's even involved in charity work now, trying to help other people, he knows the aftermath of rape is different for everyone, but he thinks being open about what he went through might help people, giving money helps, but he wants people to see how he's survived what happened. He's not only surviving either, he's damn well thriving. He has family and friends who love him and he has Adam. They live together, work together, socialize together and Tommy loves every second of it. Adam brings light into his life, its sappy but true, without Adam he might have hidden in the dark. Adam gives him a reason other than himself, which wasn't always enough, to fight everyday. Adam's love doesn't fix him, but it sure as hell makes his life better than it would be without it.

The End.


End file.
